Well, saya belom. At least not until like a few days ago. Dan hari itu pun rencana gw untuk mengunjungi perpusnas tidak berjalan sesuai ekspektasi (blame the universe).

So, the story goes with a failure plan of me and some of my friends going around having fun in jekardah. Thought I will be home all day, a facebook chat came from my friend, asked if I ever went to perpusnas. Aaannndd somehow, we ended up with a plan of going there.

Yang lucu disini adalah karena dua-duanya ga pernah kesana, gatau mau ngapain disana, dan jujur, gatau gimana caranya kesana. I vaguely had the idea of where we were going (secara deket sama 8), but never actually thought of going there. At all. And my friend, well, he lives in Bekasi and rarely ever going to that area.

And so, with some information from my friend dan kesotoyan gw yang luar biasa, we actually made it there. Malu juga kalo sampe nyasar dulu, secara gw udah sering bener bolak-balik daerah situ. Haha…

Continue on with the story. So we went in. looking around. Impresi gw: tempatnya oke. Ada hotspot. Lumayan kalo bosen belajar di rumah atau di kampus (if only Bandung have this kind of place). That’s my impression about the HALL.

Well then, what’s your impression about the whole place? Sadly, I can’t’ give you any. Pray tell then, why can’t you? Because they’re doing the renovation!

RENOVATION!!!

The hell! Amongst all the time, they had to go renovating during my first visit there. Thank you so much.

Ujung-ujungnya, menggajul di gramedia matraman. -____-

Antiklimaks? I know. Well, duh, what else can I say?

Oh anyway, I recommend you to go to perpustakaan nasional. Membership disana gratis (kata satpamnya), lumayan kan baca-baca daripada bengong di rumah hahaha

Banyak cerita manis yang gw dapet di tahun ini. Banyak hal yang juga mesti gw syukuri di tahun ini. But hell man, I’m not gonna post something so serious.

Okay, new year eve gw habiskan bersama jetra dan adeknya dan teman-teman baru gw hahaha. Let me write their names so I won’t forget about them. Let’s see… there were galuh (the home owner), kristi, astry, ines, intan.

Ceritanya mau bakar-bakar. Lalu ternyata baru sadar, ga ada yang punya panggangan. Jadilah muter-muter keliling komplek buat nyari panggangan. Balik dengan tangan hampa, akhirnya si galuh berinovasi. Panggangannya bikin sendiri, pake batu bata.

Panggangan jadi. Permasalahan selanjutnya adalah menyalakan arang. Segala cara dicoba, tidak berhasil jua. Lalu juru penyelamat muncul. Ibu-ibu tukang sate nyuruh nyelupin tisu ke minyak goreng, terus dibakar. Hasilnya api menyala cukup lama untuk membakar arang. Voila. One hour later (that feels like an eternity to me), we got the fire ready! Hell yeah, feels like I conquered the world.

Bakar-bakar. Makan-makan. Tau-tau udah jam 12 malem. Dinyalakan lah itu semua kembang api yang kita punya. Cuma punya 2. Kere.

Abis itu ga jelas. Udah mulai jam bego sih haha. Minum-minum dulu. Kalo kata si Kristi white wine (sprite) and black wine (cocacola).

Terus maen sama si mano. Ini bocah seekor ga bisa diem banget. Kacau. terus dia anteng banget tidur di pangkuan gw… awwww unyuuuuu… :3

Terus webcaman ga jelas. Rencana mau nonton dulu sebelom tidur. Ampe debat kusir mau nonton apa. Ujung-ujungnya pada teler semua. Tidur. Hahaha

Yah begitulah new year eve partay gw. Dapet temen-temen baru. Dan yang terpenting, sekarang gw tau gimana cara nyalain arang yang cepet haha (ngawur)

(don’t forget about me guys )

Whatcha ya doin’ out there? You’re doin’ alright, yeah? I know you are.

Know what? Last night I dreamed about you. And I cried…

I can’t believe it’s been over a year since the last time I saw you. It’s been over a year since I watched them bury you, since I accompany you to your grave…

And somehow I still blame myself for what happened to you. I know it’s no one’s fault. But I still think that you’re the one God should’ve saved. Not me. Not some arrogant, ignorant, stubborn bastard like me. Not some sinful person like me. I’m such a demon if compared to you. Yet, why won’t God saved you?

Could you ask God now? I know you’ll say that God was giving me a second chance. Now I hate myself ‘cause I feel like wasting the chance God gave me. What to do, Cous? I wish you could tell me.

I miss you, Cous. Remember those old days when we were fighting over a play station controller? Remember when we shared those A7x mp3s? I still feel guilty because I’m the one who infected you to listens to those kind of musics :p. Remember when I went over to your house to spend the night and then we discuss the Sims all over till the morning comes? hahaha… The good old days.

But I guess you are happy right now, huh? You know, it’s getting even crazier down here.

Okay then. Gotta go now. Gotta straight up my fucked up life. Gotta dress up and brace myself to face this crazy world. I gotta work everything out right so one day when it’s my time meeting you and God, I still have the face.

Goodbye for now. Pass my Hello to God, will ya?

Ini bener-bener pertama kalinya gw ngerasa segini ketergantungan sama orang lain. Curhat ke dia. Nangis ke dia. Apa-apa dia. Abnormal. Absurd. Ini adalah sesuatu yang ga pernah terjadi sama diri gw sebelomnya. Sangat alien. Mungkin menurut sebagian orang ini adalah hal yang biasa, wajar. Tapi menurut gw ini sangat aneh, karena gw adalah orang yang dari kecil diajarkan untuk mandiri, and hell yeah, doktrinasi itu berjalan baik. Sangat baik malah, kalo ngeliat diri gw saat ini.

Dan jujur, gw takut sama perasaan gw ini. And that alone is a freaking weird thing. Maksud gw, gw adalah tipe orang yang ga pernah takut nyoba sesuatu yang baru. Taking risks? That’s one of my most favorite past time. Tapi ini? Sumpah gw bener-bener ga ngerti lagi sama diri gw sendiri.

Mungkin yang bikin gw takut adalah karena perasaan ini membuat gw merasa sangat vulnerable, fragile. Gw ngerasa diri gw lemah. Dihadapan orang itu, gw jadi kayak anak kecil yang masih sangat bergantung sama orangtuanya. Dan, ya, gw memang ngerasa ketergantungan sama dia. I can’t even make up my mind without him giving me a little piece of his mind. Makin absurd, karena biasanya gw yang dijadikan tempat curhat dan konsultasi buat temen-temen gw. Sampe gw pernah berpikir untuk membuka jasa konsultasi di masa depan nanti. Siapa tau gw bisa tenar kayak mama loren.

Dan yang bikin gw kesel adalah karena ga ada yang bisa disalahkan atas kondisi gw yang seperti ini. Gw gamau nyalahin diri gw (ogah amat), dan gw juga ga bisa nyalahin oknum tersebut. Karena emang dia ga salah. Gw sendiri juga ga nyangka bakal kayak gini keadaannya. Tiba-tiba dia muncul dengan innocentnya dan memutarbalikkan seluruh hidup gw. And still, it’s none of his fault.

Tapi kan gw ga bisa begini terus. Ga boleh, lebih tepatnya. Kenapa? Ya karena gw sendiri ngerasa ga nyaman dengan hal ini. Ketergantungan sama orang lain ga pernah masuk kamus hidup gw sebelomnya.

Cuma……………………. gw gatau jalan keluarnya……………………………… arrrggghhh, feel like I’m losing it. Demi Tuhan, bangsa, dan almamater, gw mesti gimanaaaaaaaaa??????

Where did I go wrong?
Choking on the difference
Between me and the world
And ever since you’ve been gone
I’ve been torn apart
I know that you can’t hear me but
I’m still hurt
And I wish you were here

It’s so hard that I try to bury it
Pretend that you didn’t exist
So I can be strong
But I feel sick
And I feel diseased
‘Cause everyone abandons me
And I can’t move along
‘Cause I’m barely holding on

I can not pretend you didn’t exist
Misery is just a state of mind
Hiding from the world’s no way to live
So I’ll convince myself that I’ll be fine
I’ll be fine
But since I lost you I’m barely holding on

So I look up to the stars
And wonder out loud
Why everything I had in life
Has fallen from my arms
Can you even hear this song?
I’m screaming at the clouds
Screaming to a galaxy
That never cared at all
That I need you here

- Madina Lake -